Gnarcotic wrote Got stopped by a guy asking for directions whilst I was talking on the phone. The disrespect, I told him where to go.

Wizard wrote

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

You two are the firsts to make me chuckle, well done.

"I never forgot a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make a exception" - Groucho Marx

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup

I cant move, breathe, speak or hear and its so dark all the time. If I knew it would be this lonely, I would have been cremated instead.

Whiteboards are remarkable!

I have two:

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

wanna know the difference between jelly and jam?

If I was a squirrel would you help me bust a nut?

Hey, you look pretty freaking stupid

I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.