1. This blonde turns on her computer one morning at work. As it comes to life, suddenly smoke starts billowing out the back. Frantically, she calls tech support and asks, "Are you guys having a fire down there?"

2. Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

3. A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

4. A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.

May I see your license and registration, please? asked the cop.

Miffed, the blonde said, I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license. Now today you want me to show it to you!

5. How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

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1. Kelly is so fat, he shows up on radar.

1. Your so fat, when you stand on the scales your see your phone number.

2. Kelly is so fat, they use his belt to measure the Earth's equator.

3. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat pig!"

4. You are so fat you were baptized in Sea World.

5. One guy was so fat, he had his own area code.

1. What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

2. What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.

3. What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob

4. How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

5. What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

1. I ate an entire bag of Rohypnol last night, and it didn't even affect me.
Anyway, got to go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

2. My mate has been smoking one of those electric cigars all week.

I said to him, "You'll get a Trojan virus using that."

He said, "At least I won't get cancer!"

I said, "Yeah, but you'll have to give Graham a blow job to get rid of it."

He said, "Graham who?"

I said, "Norton."

3. With the kids away at their Grans tonight my wife suggested we try and experiment a bit.

I bet she will love the chemistry set I've bought.

4. Turkey raid kills 35 in Kurdish village.

I didn't think they celebrated Christmas?

5. How do you start a rave in Africa?

Glue toast to the ceiling.

1. What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!

2. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
He likes to ho-ho-ho.

3. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

4. Why did the little boy push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

5. Which reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph!

1. A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger tits."
Well the man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.
The woman looked at him and said "Toilet paper, what will that do?"
The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your arse."

2. "I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich." the bachelor said.
"Oh, well, then you have to get married four times."

3. Here's a good putdown line for women:
A man walks up and says haven't we met before?
Say yes, I'm Kathy, the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

4. What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model **** all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

5. The women at one college called a would-be romeo a great natural athlete. He makes every broad jump.