My son was sick all over the pub on his 18th last night.

18 pints is a lot for a 6 year old in fairness though

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: 'Let's get it!'

King Germ: 'No, we must wait 5 seconds!'

My girlfriend asked me to buy some tampons today.

It was so embarrassing. I had no idea she knew I used to be a woman.

What's worse than walking in on your teenage daughter being ****?

Walking in on your teenage son playing Xbox Kinect dance

What do we want?

A cure for diabetes

When do we want it?

Before Easter.

I put ham and pineapple into a bap today.

Because that's Hawaii roll.

After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 woolly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I waddled outside.

Ten seconds later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move.

"You're coming with me" said the Primark security guard

My wife came into my shed yesterday ''your're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!'' she said.
It was at this point that the Slap-a-****-automatic 3000 proved her wrong.

I'm trying to trace my father...

Can anyone recommend a good marker pen?

So Carlos Tevez plans to sue his boss Roberto Mancini.

If his lawyer has any sense of humour, he'll refuse to come off the bench and defend for him.