1. Guns don't kill people. Ninjas kill people.

2. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Ninjas allow to live.

3. Ninjas do not sleep. They wait.

4. The chief export of Ninjas is Pain.

5. Ninjas have two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

6. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1: Heart Disease 2: Ninjas 3: Cancer.

7. Ninjas don't go hunting...NINJAS GO KILLING!

8. Ninjas use pepper spray to spice up their steaks.

9. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Ninjas out. It failed miserably.

10. Contrary to popular belief, Ninjas, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, are the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision and the feeling of being repeatedly castrated with a rusty spark.

11. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Ninjas have 108...and they're all poisonous.

12. If you ask a Ninja what time it is, they always say, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" they decapitate you.

13. When Ninjas sends in their taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of themself, crouched and ready to attack. No Ninja has ever had to pay taxes, ever.

14. The quickest way to a man's heart is with a Ninja's katana.

15. Ninjas invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

16. Ninjas can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

17. What was going through the minds of any Ninja's victims before they died? Their fist.

18. Police label anyone attacking a Ninja as a Code 45-11...a suicide.

19. Ninjas don't churn butter. They roundhouse kick the cows and the butter comes straight out.

20. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to a Ninja and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

21. Someone once videotaped a Ninja getting slightly irritated. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

22. Ninjas originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but were removed by Beta Testers because every button caused them to kill their opponent in horrifyingly graphic ways. When asked about this "glitch," a Ninja replied, "That's no glitch."

23. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool a Ninja once and he will nail your tongue to your arse with his katana.

24. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on one Ninja's childhood dodgeball game.

25. A Ninja once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

26. A Ninja once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a Ninja re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes the Ninja a beer.

27. Someone once tried to tell a Ninja that decapitation isn't the best way to kill someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

28. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of any Ninja's warm-up exercises.

29. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then a Ninja turned that wine into beer.

30. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is a Ninja.

31. Ninjas don't shower, they only take blood baths.

32. The Ninja military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Ninja could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

33. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects a Ninja could use to kill you, including the room itself.

34. According to the Encyclopaedia Britannica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Ninjas move.

35. When Ninjas go to donate blood, they decline the syringe, and instead use their hands and the occasional katana.

36. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Ninjas like to eat lizard legs. And that's how snakes are made.

37. There are no races, only countries of people Ninjas have bashed to different shades of black and blue.

38. When a Ninja was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 11:01, they concentrated on the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

39. Ninjas can't finish a "colour by numbers" because their markers are filled with the blood of their victims. Unfortunately, all blood is red.

40. When Ninjas fall in water, Ninjas don't get wet. Water gets Ninja'd.

41. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1nDC (Ninja DeCapitation)

42. Ninja's houses have no doors, only walls that they walk through.

43. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck Ninjas? Answer: None of it, the woodchuck got decapitated.

44. Ninjas don't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

45. Ninjas CAN believe it's not butter.

46. If tapped, a Ninjas decapitation could power the country of Australia for 50 minutes.

47. Ninjas can divide by zero.

48. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Ninjas have been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

49. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of a Ninja: 1 billion words.

50. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Ninja's decapitation.

51. While urinating, Ninjas are easily capable of welding titanium.

52. When Ninjas talk, everybody listens. And dies.

53. Contrary to popular belief, there are indeed enough Ninjas to go around.

54. Ninjas always know the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

55. When taking the SAT, write "Ninjas" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

56. Ninjas invented black. In fact, they invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

57. When you're Ninja, anything + anything is equal to one. One decapitation, that is

58. Ninjas have the greatest Poker-Face of all time. A ninja won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 card from the game UNO.

59. In the beginning there was nothing...then Ninjas decapitated that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

60. Ninjas grind their coffee with his teeth and boil the water with their own rage.

61. Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "anyone that has ever encountered a Ninja"

62. A Ninja ordered a Big Mac at Hungry Jacks, and got one.

63. A Ninja, Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

64. If you Google search "Ninjas getting their arse kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

65. Ninjas can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-nine seconds.

66. Ninjas don't bowl strikes, they just prod one pin and the other nine faint.

67. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with a single Ninja. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

68. It takes any Ninja 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

69. Ninjas have a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in their way.

70. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until some Ninjas decapitated one of the corners.

71. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Ninjas are found in Australia.

72. When a Ninja is in a crowded area, they don't walk around people. They walk through them.

73. Ninjas occasionally eat entire bottles of sleeping pills. They make them blink.

74. James Cameron wanted a Ninja to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

75. Ninjas CAN touch MC Hammer.

76. Thousands of years ago Ninjas came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.

77. Ninjas play Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and win.

78. Some people wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Ninja pajamas.

79. Ninjas keep their friends close and their enemies closerand by closer, we mean within range of decapitation.

80. A flash flood means that a Ninja is flying over your coastline. The high tide is caused by the entire city pissing themselves.

81. There is, in fact, an 'I' in 'ninja', but no team. Not even close.

82. Scotty in Star Trek often says "ye cannae change the laws of physics". This is in fact false; ninjas often defy the laws of physics.
83. Ninjas don't stub their toes. They merely destroy sidewalks, chairs, and bed frames.

84. Ninja decapitations don't really kill people. They really wipe their existence from the space-time continuum.

85. Ninjas do not own microwaves, stoves or ovens, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

86. Ninjas can slam revolving doors.

87. The original draft of The Lord Of The Rings actually included a bunch of Ninjas instead of the hobbits, but then the book only became five pages long because Sauron got his mace shoved down his throat so hard that it came out of his arse, causing him to die an excruciatingly painful death.

88. Helen Keller's favourite colour is Ninja.

89. Ninjas eat beef jerky and crap out lead. Then they pound that lead into a ball and flick it at a cow, killing it. And then they turn the cow into more beef jerky and repeat the process. This is known as the 'circle of life'.

90. Science fact: Decapitations are actually formed primarily of an element called 'ninjomium'.

91. The Sherman tank was originally called a Ninjatank, but then for fear of decapitation from the tank not being badass enough, they renamed it to the Sherman.

92. Ninjas don't step on toes. They step on necks.

93. Ninjas don't style their hair. It lies however they need it out of pure terror.

94. There is no such thing as 'global warming'. A ninja got cold, so he turned the sun up.

95. Ninjas did, in fact, build Rome in a day. Actually half a day.

96. Ninjas don't play God. Playing is for children.

97. Ninjas are in fact, the only people in the world that can email decapitations.

98. Ninjas can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

99. Most kids play 'kick the can'. Ninjas play 'kick the keg'.

100. Ninjas cannot love, they can only not kill.

101. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Ninjas can actually decapitate you into yesterday.

102. One certain ninja actually pulled a hair out of his leg and skewered five men through the brain with it.

103. In an act of great compassion, a single Ninja donated 6, 000 bodies to the American Cancer Association for scientific research.

104. When Robert J Oppenheim said 'I am become death, the destroyer of worlds", he was not referring to the atomic bomb, he was referring to the Ninja Halloween costume he was wearing at the time.

105. Ninjas recently had the idea to sell their urine as a drink. We now know this beverage as 'red bull'.

106. Ninjas have a language made up out of karate and Whuparse. So next time you're getting your arse kicked, don't take it personally. He's probably just saying he likes your hat.

107. If at first you don't succeed, then you're not a Ninja.

108. Fear is the only emotion that a Ninja can smell. They can also detect hope, as in 'I really hope I don't get decapitated by a Ninja'.

109. What's known as the UFC (Ultimate Fighting League) doesn't go by its full name, which is UFCNND (Ultimate Fighting League, Non Ninja Division).

110. The easiest way to find out a Ninja's age is to cut them in half and count the rings.

111. There is an endless debate about the existence of a human soul. Well, that argument has been solved, and Ninjas say they taste like Red Bull. Which tastes like crap.

112. Most boots are made for walkin'. Ninja boots aren't that forgiving.

113. The US didn't boycott the 1980 Olympics due to political reasons. A Ninja was practising Whuparse with the Tae Kwon Do team and accidentally killed them with overexposure to pure awesomeness.

114. Google won't search for Ninjas because it knows that you don't find Ninjas, they find you.

115. Hiroshima never had a bomb dropped on it. They just dropped a bunch of Ninjas.

116. Ninjas have now destroyed the periodic table, because they only believe in the element of surprise.

117. It is widely believed that the dinosaurs were killed by a giant meteor. That is trueif you can call a Ninja a 'giant meteor'.
118. Ninjas didn't shoot the sheriff, but they decapitated the deputy.

119. Ninjas CAN judge a book by its cover.

120. Ninjas don't enter in a lottery. Lotteries don't have enough balls.

121. How many Ninjas does it take to change a light bulb? None, they prefer to kill in the dark.

122. As President Roosevelt said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Ninjas".

123. Ninjas don't own houses. They just walk into random houses and the people skedaddle.

124. It is better to give then to receive. This is especially true of a Ninja's decapitation.

125. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Ninjas need toothpicks too.

126. Ninjas are the reason Waldo is hiding.

127. "Brokeback Mountain" isn't just the name of a movie. It's also what Ninjas call the pile of dead pirates in their backyard.

128. Ninjas actually built a time machine to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, the Ninja caught all the bullets with his feet. JFK's head then exploded out of sheer amazement.

129. Ninjas don't read books. They simple stare them down until they get the information they want.

130. Ninjas use night lights. Not because they are afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Ninjas.

131. Ninjas are not capable of hitting the broad side of a barn. Every time they try, the barn explodes and the shockwave destroys the nearest town.

132. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into The Hulk. When The Hulk gets mad, he turns into a Ninja.

133. A Ninja once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as 'giraffes'.

134. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Ninja decapitation will liquefy your spinal cord.

135. A Ninja once went skydiving, but then promised not to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

136. A Ninja's version of a chocolate milkshake is a raw slab of meat wrapped around 10 Mars Bars, drenched in diesel.

137. If a Ninja decapitates you, you will die. If it misses, then the wind behind the hit will rip out your spinal cord and stab you repeatedly with it.

138. Ninjas can put on pants two legs at a time.

139. Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Ninjas.

140. Contrary to common belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. It just ran into a Ninja swimming back to Australia from Africa.

141. Ninjas get their drivers licence as soon as they turn eighteen seconds old.

142. The original title for 'Alien Vs Predator' was 'Alien vs. Ninjas'. But nobody is going to pay $9 for a movie that's 7 seconds long, even if it is horrifically violent.

143. Ninjas can win at solitaire with only 9 cards.

144. Maslow's theory of higher need doesn't apply to Ninjas. They only have two needs: Find people to kill, and kill people.

145. The truth will set you free. Unless you are currently being held captive by a Ninja.

146. For most people, home is where the heart is. In a Ninja's case, home is where they store their collection of human skulls.

147. Kryptonite has been known to contain elements of a Ninja's decapitation. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

148. Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a hole in Iraq. He was actually in South Korea, but then a Ninja found him and pounded him so hard into the ground that he got sent through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

149. Ninjas don't look both ways before they cross the street, they just decapitate any cars that get too close.

150. Ninjas don't wear watches; THEY decide what time it is.

151. The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by the people of Australia, due to fact that they hoped that it was the minimal damage that would happen. Their hopes were quickly dashed.

152. When Ninjas do division, there are NO remainders.

153. Never look a gift Ninja in the mouth, because they will suck the eyeballs out of your skull and spit them in the funny.

154. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything better then a fish, and a Ninja will decapitate that man and take whatever you gave him.

155. A Ninja's decapitation is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space to the naked eye.

156. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off bats. Ninjas bite the heads off tiger sharks.

157. He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by the Ninja, gets his balls ripped off and flayed to death with them.

158. The best laid plans of men go awry. Even the most retarded plans of Ninjas go off without a hitch.

159. The phrase 'dead ringer' comes from a person sitting behind a Ninja in a movie theatre that forgets to turn her mobile off.

160. Staring at a Ninja for prolonged periods of time can cause blisters, blindness, annoyance of the Ninja, and decapitation.

161. Ninjas can taste lies.

162. Ninjas do not kick arses and take names. They merely kick arse, and assign the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be well past the billions.

163. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until a Ninja came along and decapitated her into the future.

164. A Ninja was once shown on Jeopardy. This was the first time that Alex Trebek was shown without a moustache. Or a head.

165. Four out of five doctors fail to recommend a Ninja as a solution to most problems. Eighty percent of doctors are found decapitated the following day.

166. With the rising cost of petrol, Ninjas have begun to worry about what to put on their cereal.

167. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer is Ninja.

168. No Ninja has ever been in a fight. I mean, a -second decapitation can hardly be called a fight, can it?

169. There are two types of people in this world. Ninjas, and people Ninjas kill.

170. Ninjas never wet their bed. The bed wets itself out of fear.

171. Ninjas use 8m x 10m sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

172. Noah was the only man notified before a Ninja relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

173. Ninjas eat steak for 99% of their meals. 50% of the time they forget to kill the cow.

174. Ninjas know everything there is to know, except for one thing: the definition of mercy.

175. Ninjas never wax their skis; they are always slick with blood.

176. When you say "no-ones perfect", Ninjas take this as a personal insult.

177. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but a Ninja beats everything.

178. Ninjas never go to the dentist because their teeth are unbreakable. Pirates never go to the dentist because they always get in fights with Ninjas, and so have no teeth.

179. In medical terms, death is known as 'ninjaitis'.

180. A Ninja once got in a knife fight. The knife lost miserably.

181. In the words of Julius Caesar: "Vidi, Vinci, Ninja". The translation reads as "I came, I saw, and I got my arse de-arse-itated by a Ninja".

182. When Ninjas play monopoly, it really does affect the world's economy.

183. Ninjas are unlockable on the hardest level of Tekken. But only a Ninja is skilled enough to unlock himself. After being unlocked, the playstation is often spin-kicked back to Japan.

184. Ninjas drink napalm to calm their heartburn.

185. As an infant, a Ninja was given a toy hammer. The Ninja then proceeded to make Stonehenge.

186. A Ninja once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak immediately did as it was told.

187. Most people fear the Grim Reaper. Ninjas consider him to be a promising rookie.

188. There are only two things in the world that can cut diamonds. Other diamonds and Ninjas.

189. Ninjas have been banned from competitive bull riding after a 1992 exhibition in Wundowie where a Ninja rode to Melbourne and back to pick up his dry cleaning.

190. A Ninja once broke the land speed world recordon foot.

191. Ninja credit cards have no limit. Every weekend, they max them out.

192. A man once claimed to have been attacked by a Ninja twice, but nobody believed him. You just don't survive the first time.

193. Ninjas sleep with a pillow under their guns.

194. Aliens do actually exist. They just know enough not to go anywhere near a planet that has Ninjas on it.

195. Some people ask for a tissue when they sneeze. Ninjas get a body bag.

196. There is an order to the universe; space, time and Ninjas. Just kidding, Ninjas take up all three spaces.

197. A man once asked what a Ninjas name was. The Ninja just stared back at the man, who promptly exploded.

198. Ninjas don't see dead people. They make dead people.

199. Ninjas are the only people in the world that can fire six Uzis at the same time; one in each hand, one in each foot, one in the mouth and the sixth shoots people on its own, due to fear of being decapitated.

200. We live in an expanding universe. It's trying to run away from a Ninja.

201. The word 'kill' was invented by Ninjas. As were 'die', 'beer', and 'what?'.

202. Ninjas are vegetarians. Meaning that they do not eat animals until they have put them into a vegetative state with their fists.

203. Two wrongs don't make a right. Even if you're a Ninja. In which case two anythings make a decapitation.

204. Who let the dogs out? Ninjas. Then they tied beer bottles to their tails and set them loose through midland, the following mob of black people trashing everything in their path.

205. When Ninjas go out to eat, they order an entire chicken, but only eat its soul.

206. Ninjas don't plant pot plants. They just glare at the plant and it soils itself.

207. Not everyone that Ninjas get mad at dies. Some people are allowed to escape. These are known as 'astronauts'.

208. Ninjas have to register every separate part of themself as a lethal weapon. Their kidneys are considered illegal in over twelve countries.

209. Some people once made Ninja toilet paper, but there was a problem; it wouldn't take crap from anyone.

210. After taking a steroids test one Ninja was found to have tested positive. Upon receiving this information, the messenger was told that of course it would test positive, that's what they make steroids from.

211. Ninjas don't daydream. They're usually too busy giving other people nightmares.

212. When Arnold says 'I'll be back' in The Terminator, it means he is going to fetch a couple of his Ninja buddies.

213. There are no such things as tornadoes. Some Ninjas just don't like trailer parks.

214. Ninjas occasionally participate in the running of the bulls. They walk.

215. A Ninja once rode a bull. Nine months later it had a calf.

216. TNT was originally made by Ninjas to cure indigestion.

217. Ninjas don't get heart attacks. Their hearts aren't stupid enough to try attacking them.

218. Some people think that curiosity killed the cat. This is not true. Ninjas killed cats, every single one of them.

219. A Ninja crossed the road. Nobody was brave enough to find out why.

220. One time, at band camp, there was a Ninja, and a percussionist, and the Ninja decapitated him, and the drum guy died.

221. Love doesn't hurt. Ninjas do.

222. A Ninja once decapitated a salesman. Over the phone.

223. The pen is mightier then the sword. But only if a Ninja has the pen.

224. That isn't a list of credits scrolling after the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie. It's a list of fatalities.

225. When a Ninja wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

226. Count from one to ten. That's how many times a Ninja takes to kill youfifty-nine-point-seven times.

227. Ninjas aren't politically correct. They are just correctalways.

228. Mr T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off. Ninjas rip the head off, and then beat them to death with it.

229. Ninjas have volunteered to stay after the rapture; they will be killing the antichrist.

230. They were going to release a Ninja version of Cluedo, but the answer was always the same; a Ninja, in the library, with a decapitation.

231. A man once taunted a Ninja with a bag of lay's chips, saying "betcha cant eat just one". The Ninja proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in the following half a second.

232. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the T-Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. A Ninja was chasing both the jeep and the T-Rex.

233. Rules of fighting
a. 1: Don't bring a knife to a gun fight.
b. 2: Don't bring a gun to a Ninja fight.

234. Ninjas have beaten the odds, numerous times. With their fists.

235. In Ancient China there is a legend that a man will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. Ninjas are not this man, because he was killed by a Ninja.

236. When you play monopoly with a Ninja, you do not pass go, and do not get two hundred bucks. In fact, you will be lucky if you make it out alive.

237. Ninjas don't lose their virginity; they stalk it down and kill it graphically.

238. Everything King Midas touched turned to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead. Anything a Ninja touches is wiped from the space-time continuum.

239. A Ninja once decapitated a ten dollar note into two hundred nickels.

240. Ninjas are not without senses of humour, their idea of a practical joke is to take your spinal cord and hide it somewhere, then see how long it takes for you to either find out where it is or you die.

241. Kenny G is allowed to live because Ninjas try not to kill women.

242. For Ninjas, every street is 'one way'. THEIR way!

243. During the Vietnam War, a Ninja allowed himself to be captured. The Vietnamese made him eat his own intestines for torture. When the Ninja had finished, he had the torturer's for dessert.

244. A Ninja once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

245. Ninjas don't own can openers, they just eat it, can and all.

246. Ninjas invented all thirty-two letters of the alphabet. And then some.

247. If a tree falls in a forest where nobody is, does anyone hear it? Yes, Ninjas hear it. They hear everything. Even the hope in your heart that you won't get decapitated.

248. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

249. Ninjas neither melt in your mouth, nor in your hand. They shred your trachea before ravaging your soul with a mixture of Whuparse, kung-pow, and chocolate pudding. Oh, and pain.

250. Ninjas can get blackjack with just one card.

251. People created automobiles to escape from ninjas. Not to be outdone, Ninjas then created the automobile accident.

252. When the first Ninja was born, the only person that cried was the doctor. Never slap a Ninja.

253. Ninjas can sneeze with their eyes open.

254. Ninjas have to get stunt doubles when they do crying scenes.

255. Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Ninjasaurus.

256. Lightning never strikes in the same place twice because Ninjas are looking for it.

257. In Operation Desert Storm, the Iraqis surrendered so fast because they knew Australia was going to send Ninjas soon.

258. Ninjas don't go at the speed of light, they go at the speed of Ninja.

259. One Ninja was known to hold the World Championship in every weight class. At the same time.

260. There are four types of legal execution in the United States. Lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair, and Ninja.

261. Ninjas don't embrace Death like old friends. They grab his sickle and shove it up his rectum. Then Death gives them another hundred years. This goes around in a circle.

262. Ninjas can split atoms with their bare hands.

263. Australia could save billions on their defence budget if they just hired a pair of Ninjas.

264. When Ninjas spit out watermelon seeds, they put machine guns to shame.

265. Ninjas CAN teach old dogs new tricks. Including decapitation.

266. Ninjas have eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the eighth is the rest of the cow.

267. The world's fastest car is powered by a Ninja on a hamster wheel.

268. When Ninjas go to Vegas, they don't need to gamble. They casinos just give them stacks of money.

269. When Ninjas are ready to get up, they tell the sun that it can rise above the horizon.

270. Ninjas can hold their breath for twelve years.

271. Ninjas invented the question mark.

272. Ninjas can cook two minute noodles in thirty seconds.

273. Ninjas put the laughter in manslaughter.

274. The helicopter was invented after watching a Ninja do 10 spinning kicks per second.

275. Ninjas can make onions cry.

276. Some people say that Ninjas are a myth. These 'some people' are now dead.

277. Ninjas are not only nouns, they are also verbs.

278. Take my advice, I don't need it anyway.

279. Ninjas gave everyone the right to be stupid, but they kill the people that overuse that privilege.

280. Ninjas don't suffer from insanity, the enjoy every moment of it.

281. If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?

282. I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

283. Ninjas aren't complete idiots, some parts are missing.

284. Ninjas sometimes stop to think and then forget to start again.

285. Ninjas love children, fluffy bunnies, and puppies. Sometimes they love them so much they don't even bother chewing when they eat them.

286. Just because Ninjas don't care doesn't mean they don't understand.

287. Ninjas didn't say it was your fault, they just said they were going to blame you.

288. He who hesitates isum

289. I didn't go to work today, the little voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.

290. I live in my own little world, but its ok, they know me here.

291. You're just jealous because the voices talk to me.

292. We all have problems, its just mine's more important then yours.

293. My wife says I don't listen to heror something like that.

294. HERE I AMwhat's your other two wishes?

295. Ninjas can predict the songs on their iPod shuffle.

296. Ninjas are circumcised. They perform it themselves.

297. A Ninja once recieved a Hollywood star, he made the handprint when the cement was dry.

298. Ninjas play minesweeper with real mines.

299. Ninjas iron their shirts while wearing them.

300. Bullets dodge Ninjas.

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