Halo

The original Halo (AKA Gaylo or Failo or Metroid parody) was known for being the only good Xbox game that wasn't available on Playstation 2 or the GameCube or Dreamcast. It received extremely good reviews from every major publication thanks to its fantabulous level design that repeated the same damn gray corridor every 30 feet, which cut loading times. And as if the repetition wasn't bad enough, halfway through the game, you get to play through each level BACKWARDS!
The original story involved the Master Chef, a 26th century Spartan, and excellent cook, killing a bunch of aliens and stopping a giant ring in outer space from fuggin up everyone, thus saving world/universe/day/whatever.
It was also notable for having a handgun that could headshot people from literally half a mile away. Any multiplayer game became a chorus of moans and profanity as just getting with 500 yards of a competent player (lol, paradox) resulted in instant death.
Unfortunately, the game sold a tonload and singlehandedly saved the Xbox from going the way of the Dreamcast.

Halo 2

Like any somewhat decent game that makes a lot of money, the designers had to mess it up beyond all recognition. They took every redeeming quality of the original and raped it like Pedobear in a roomful of loli after being starved of CP for 3 weeks. The graphics were glitchy, the physics were inconsistent, the weapons were terrible, well...yeah, and the levels were...well they stayed at about the same level of s^^^tiness. Ironically, the game sold even more than the first, and millions of retards blindly embraced it as a gift from God.

The story was also borderline retarded and riddled with plot holes, like how the Covenant somehow find Earth and (conveniently) a brand new Halo ring, or like how they just randomly throw in the Venus Fly Trap from the Little Shop of Horrors halfway into the game.

Halo 2 also introduced a new playable character - The Arbiter, a Covenant Elite warrior shunned by his people and blah blah blah, nobody really cares.

We also get introduced to Miranda Keyes, who's the daughter of that captain dude from the first game, the High Prophets: Truth, Mercy & Regret (who look suspiciously like turkeys), the aforementioned venus fly trap Gravemind, and the Brutes, led by their Chieftain, Tartarus, who is a big-ass bondage loving furry from Hell.

Halo 2 was the first game that you could play over the internets, via Xbox Live. Of course, the funny thing about having a design team of over 9000 CSIII graduates is that not everyone knows what everyone else is doing. This leads to a lot of interesting problems that basement dwellers (or in some cases, trolls) can find and exploit, like people being able to lunge at someone with the sword from a mile away, being able to drop through the ground, being able to bounce 2,000 feet into the air, and being able to lag everyone into next week, while you go around and rape the other team. As such, at least 100 patches have been released trying to fix the broken and obviously retarded multiplayer. Though even without the glitches, any normal human can only take the unbalanced weaponry, the high-pitched screams of prepubescent boys, and sheer lack of entertainment for so long.

It did, however have the best rocket launcher of the three games, since it could seek, and allowed you to dual wield needlers for epic win.

Too Long, Didn't Read:

Halo 2 is an expansion pack to Halo that didn't add anything except the ability to hold TWO WEAPONS!!!

Halo 3

And just in case you managed to avoid that obvious spoiler, Johnson dies. But black people always die in movies and videogames. That one white commander woman dies, too, because it's a well-known fact that women suck at videogames.

Even though Halo 2 was more popular than Jesus, the designers admitted that it was a broken pile of fail and AIDS. While Halo 3 is still made of fail, it is still better than that rancid collection of squirrel dung, Halo 2 (If only slightly).

Bungie isn't exactly known for innovation, as the game still has the same boring controls as it did in 2001.

Graphics-wise, it looks EXACTLY like Halo 2, except that its Over 9000 times brighter , and a big, fat layer of lens flare thrown over everything.

By the final installment of the trilogy, you would think the story couldn't possibly get any more butchered...right? WRONG!! There are so many plot holes and random s**t happening that you'll most likely be forced to throw the whole thing out the window. For example: How did Gravemind find Earth? Why did MC just randomly jump off Truth's ship entering Earth... was it just for the lol? How did High Charity manage to find the Ark's SECRET location?

But hey, nobody cares about the story anymore, it's all about teh awesomez flawless online multiplayer.

The Xbox Live multiplayer is exactly the same pile of horse manure as Halo 2's online, with the sole exception of a half-assed map editor with which you can't even edit the terrain or add all the objects. The maps and gamesa all suck baboon balls. And when you play matchmaking, once you go in to a game, you can't leave. So much like a visit from a rapist, no matter how much you kick and scream, it's gonna happen, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Another totally awesome addition to the third installation of the Halo series is the ability to take screenshots. This is about the only new thing Bungie has to offer. Motherf%%%ing screenshots. You can only imagine what kind of people actually utilize this feature.

Halo Wars

Halo Wars is a faptastic RTS which is usually too difficult for the remaining 95% of the Xbox Population, even though is the simplest, dumbed down RTS game currently out on any system.

In Early 2009, due to Micros**ts awesome partnership program, they dumped Ensemble Studios ass and left them to die in the burning depths of hell and ******.

Overall, the developers got kicked in the arse and the game was overall s**t...unless of course, you weren't like the rest of the ****** population of xbox live and actually HAD A BRAIN.

Halo: ODSTD

You play as an ODSTD (Orgasmic D*** Sucking Transsexual) soldier. A regular, plain old boring ass human with no spartan super powers. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? No over shields, you die easy, you are a dime a dozen soldier, etc. Oh yea, the story line is also some random s**t Bungie pulled out of their a**holes. It has absolutely nothing to do with the books or anything. They just wanted to make more money so they added a random story line before the events of Halo 3. And since Bungie didnt write the books and no one ever read them, who the hell cares anyway?




Halo:Reacharound


Oh no! Not another one! Set before the first game, it's just a terrible storyline Bungie cooked up at the same 20 minute meeting they came up with ODSTD at.

Halofags are excited because now they can use jetpacks!!!!!
(As if Gaylo wasn't gimmicky enough)

And CODfags say that Armour Abilities is copying perk, and its true, but no one gives a s**t because COD stole from Halo, and Halo stole from about everywhere else.

Also included in Reacharound is the ability to make maps, called Forge World. This allows 13 year-old boys to create all sorts of f***-ups and sorry excuses for levels. Of course, if you're playing Gaylo in the first place, you don't have the attention span to build an argument, let alone a map.

The game is set to release on September 14 which will no doubtedly cause halo nerds around the world masterbate in synchrony.

BUT HOLY F***ING S**T YOU CAN DRIVE A FORKLIFT TRUCK!!!!!


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