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1. It needs to have an internet connection because it's powered by the kinetic energy of animated GIFs.

2. It'll be able to produce a thin film of lubricating mucus.

3. It'll decline to send images to any TV under 47". It will transmit a message that reads, "Do you expect me to perform on this? I trained at RADA, darling."

4. When you turn it off, it will sigh dreamily and whisper, "I love you."

5. Gamepads will feature two small tongues that will gently lick your palms if you are playing well.

6. Microsoft will one-up Sony with a new proprietary triangular disc that is ejected, still spinning, at random intervals.

7. This triangular disc will be so expensive to license that Microsoft itself won't be able to afford it.

8. If there is a PS Move in Kinect's vision, the gamepad will vibrate angrily until it's removed.

9. If you visit a sexy site on Internet Explorer, it will post a screenshot on Facebook.

10. Kinect 2.0 will be equipped with a set of silent rotors and can follow you, hovering at groin height, around the house. Having a shower or on the toilet? It doesn't care. Wave to activate! WHY AREN'T YOU WAVING?

11. A new form of copy-protection will require you to be physically connected to your Xbox at all times by a steel dog collar.

12. Parental controls will include two new settings: "You are over 30 years old. You should have the critical faculties to not want to play this stuff," and, "You are 12. That's really cool. I won't tell anyone if you just steal some money from your mum's purse and post it to this address."

13. TV shows will increasingly feature characters who give Kinect voice commands, like "Xbox, Go Home." Just to dick with people watching TV.

14. It will not be sold in Australia because it's too far away.

15. It will be full of spiders, and the first time you turn it on the fan will blow them all, furious and concussed, out of the vent.

16. HoverKinect will recharge via a narrow proboscis that slips conveniently into your veins.

17. It will smooth over social situations by screaming "AWW-KWARD!" if there's a lull in conversation, and say, "ARE YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW, DOING IT?" if it sees two people touch.

18. If you point a PS Eye into a Kinect, they will see each other's souls and start crying.

19. The processor will have four hardware cores, each divided into three logical cores and one completely illogical core that's responsible for all the terrible dialogue, crappy acting and stupid level design.

20. It will create tiny human holograms in the centre of your room, and you'll be able to have totally convincing conversations with them about what it's like being a hologram.

21. If you boost the friendship levels of your tiny hologram man, he will eventually agree to stand in your mouth.

22. If you eat the tiny hologram man, he will live in your stomach and you will gain the ability to travel along electrical cables.

23. David Cage is making the first fully non-interactive game for Xbox and releasing it exclusively in arthouse cinemas.

24. The FIFA franchise will branch out with FIFA FOFUM. It'll be the same game, but the characters will be giants. But everything else is bigger too, so it won't look different. The commentators, however, will shout stuff like, "THAT'S REMARKABLE: SUAREZ IS GRINDING ROONEY'S BONES TO MAKE HIS BREAD."

25. In order to discourage tedious character design, head detection software will be able to recognise generic shaven-headed marines in dusty brown landscapes. Wig algorithms will automatically add procedural cartoon hairpieces.

26. The disc slot will be surrounded by a pair of big meaty lips that can pucker, purse and wolf-whistle. It will suckle eagerly at a bottle of warm milk.

Credit to dragnov45 for #27 - #36

27. Xbox requires a daily operation fee of $1.

28. Xbox has a built in self destruct feature that will force you to buy a new system every 2 years.

29. Xbox only comes with 4gb ram, Microsoft is just Lying about the 8gb ram.

30. Xbox operating hours will be from 6am- to 6pm only.

31. The hover kinect can whipe your behind for a small monthly fee.

32. Netflix app will cost $10 to download plus the monthly fee still apply.

33. Xbox will only turn on if the orginal buyer of the console is in the room.

34. The kinect will show real spirits walking behind you as you play.

35. The Xbox is allergic to cats.

36. Xbox is not compatable with Sony brand tv's.

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