So I was sitting there in my philosophy class trying to crack my back in my chair, and this hot girl saw me. Really, really hot. I kind of had a thing for her for a couple of months, and we smiled at each other and stuff but she sat pretty far away so we didn't say much more than "hi". Anyway she saw me doing that and it was before class actually started so we could move around and stuff, so she came up and offered to crack my back for me, and i thought it was kind of weird, but accepted. So i stand up and she crosses my arms in front of me and stands right behind me and sort of picks me up onto her and bounces me (have you ever seen people crack backs this way? I have seen it, but it is weird to explain.)

Anyway, it wasn't working, so she tried a huge bounce. something popped really loudly, but then when she set me down I couldn't feel my legs. I twas like they were totally asleep. So I ****in collapsed in a heap on the ground, my legs going off in weird directions. Then I heard a hella loud farting noise and proceeded to diarrhea in my pants, I was so embarrassed and I looked up at her face and she was just disgusted and everybody was like what the hell is going on so I tried to get up and run away, but my legs didn't work. I couldn't move, and over the next thirty seconds or so my colon emptied really loudly. My teacher was really mad and thought I was just being a freak and sh*tting on the floor, but after a while they realized I wasn't kidding around and they called an ambulance.

So I went to the hospital, and it turns out when she cracked my back somehow my spinal cord got pinched in between my vertebrae and they straightened it out with some emergency surgery and now I'm completely fine.


So... I never went back to that school.


Can you top that?