Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice.

Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

You're fat, don't sugarcoat it because you'll eat that too.

Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide if you're doing anything with your life today.

Sometimes I text and drive. I know it's dangerous, but I do stupid things when I'm drunk. (Seriously though, never drink and drive)

I have the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My vacuum cleaner broke. I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it, and now it sucks again.

Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.

Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?

Every zoo is a petting zoo as long as you're not a pansy.

When I text you a whole paragraph and you text me back 40 minutes later saying "K." Are you asking to be punched?

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy..so I got drunk.

You guys really need to stop judging people that breast feed in public. I can raise my puppy however I want.

FUN FACT: If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription.

There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable...

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793
You were too lazy to read that number.

It's, "Jamaican hairstyle day", at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.

If you think these jokes are hilarious, you should see my life choices.

A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair... and a table.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with sour cream and tomatoes.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, If you throw it hard enough . . .

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Them I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

Whats the last thing that went through Sally's mind after jumping from a skyscraper?
Her ankles




Hopefully I could make at least one person laugh..let me know if you liked the jokes

-Pryme