I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

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It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

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Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

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I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

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How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows.

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Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.