Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital

Please select from the following menu options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly .

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6 .

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call .

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
forwarded to the Mother Ship .

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press .

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway .

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 .

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep . Please wait for the
beep ..

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9 . If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators
are too busy to talk with you .

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on
the fan, lie down and cry . You won't be crazy forever
.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll
just mess it up

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week .

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one
unstable person to show you care .

Well, my job is done . . . . . Your turn