***DO NOT ACTUALLY TRY ANY OF THESE OR ANY OTHER DRUG-- Some of this stuff WILL KILL YOU!!***

Drugs. They're awesome to do because you get high. Everyone's looking for new, economically sound, and mostly legal ways to augment the sensation of the intoxication nation. We all know about tried an true methods like donating blood before going to the bar, making your pilot fly the plane at extreme altitudes where the air is thinner, and of course, putting Carmex on your eyelids while chasing an entire box of Sudafed with the green NyQuil, but it's been years since anyone has really worked hard to come up with something new. That is why I decided to spend nearly a week risking my body, mind, and just under $10 experimenting with cutting-edge, previously unheard of methods of getting hella f*****d up. If that's not the definition of Hardcore Journalism, then maybe that phrase shouldn't even be accepted in the mainstream media.

The magenta crayon Can be melted in a spoon and shot intravenously to produce a mellow, low-grade opiate effect. I felt warm and had a pretty sweet body-buzz for about 45 minutes. Each color in the 64-crayon box was tried in this manner, and let me warn you, DO NOT USE PERIWINKLE. Talk about a bad trip; it felt like I was trapped in a giant block of ice inside a Tilt-a-Whirl that had been launched into the far reaches of outer space and people were calling me names like "****-Stick" behind my back, it sucked.

The blue diamond marshmallows from Lucky Charms[b/] cereal It may be time-consuming to separate this shape from the rest, but worth it for the amphetamine-esque rush it provides when crushed and snorted. The marshmallows are "cleaner" than actual meth, and have no hangover or crash. I Swiffered the whole apartment, cooked Thanksgiving dinner for next year, and spell-checked the entire Microsoft Word dictionary. Warning: Be sure to grind them into a fine powder; when researching this one, I got 3 Cocoa Puffs stuck in my nose, and my mom seemed really disappointed.

[b]Sour Nestle's[b/] Quick The sharp, lumpy, and altogether unpleasant taste causes most users to vomit immediately, but if you can keep it down, you will be rewarded with an intense hallucinatory odyssey through time. I was taken away into this fantastic realm where I had to go on all these quests like Hercules and battle the alligators in the sewer people have flushed away through the years, then I punched a cloud, and later on I thought I could play the harmonica, like perfect, but then when it wore off I couldn't. Rad.

Water Who knew the source of all life on Earth could also be the source of the life of the party? I saw on "Dateline" or somewhere that drinking enough H2O will create an imbalance in your body's salt levels and leave you with a sense of euphoria and impaired gross motor functions. To compute how much you need to gulp down per hour to get wasted, multiply your body weight by 3 and convert to oz. The only side effect is a full bladder that demands to be emptied often, and with extreme prejudice, but you can turn this into a positive by dating someone who enjoys being urinated on, like Jennifer Love Hewitt or Zach Braff.

[b]Morning Glory flower seeds Back in college, Jimmy Skullpuff and Kevin Whatever somehow heard about the alleged hallucinogenic properties of this plant and decided one Wednesday night during finals they would each swallow two packages. I WANT TO SEE TRAILS! Not taking the time to read the back of the envelopes, they were unaware that the seeds were coated in a thick, tasty film of pesticide. After 30 minutes, Jimmy said, "I think I'm getting some mild visuals." Another half-hour passed and they were tag-teaming one of the dorm toilets with some power-puke. I think Jim did say after the vomiting had finally ceased, he felt "Awesome." So then we all sat around listening to the second Porno for Pyros album for like the 8th time that day. Also, someone farted.

Inhaling smoke from burning Crate & Barrel furniture The Micmac indian tribe of the north-east used to have a ritual in which they would pack into a tepee or wigwam (if they were two tense) and continually burn wood with little or no ventilation, so they would be forced to breathe in the smoke until they were whisked away by the magical pap smear beam into a state of higher consciousness. Those of you who are Stephen King fans might remember the Losers Club in It using the smoke-hole rite to try and figure out how they could defeat Pennywise the Dancing Clown. Believe it or not, this involved them pulling a train on then 12-year-old Beverly Marsh, who grew up to be the sister who did not become a werewolf in Ginger Snaps. I did not have any firewood in my rumpus room, so I used the unassembled pieces of a functional--yet stylish--medium-sized desk, which I lit on fire inside of a friend's car that had been booted in Wicker Park. It started out pretty sweet, with a strong floating sensation which turned into a feeling that I was in tune with all of nature, including the drink-holders and arm-rest. Quickly, though, my buzz was killed as I got a wicked-bad stomach-ache and I think I'm in the deadlights now.

Top 10 things to huff around the house Glade, Goof-Off, Goo B Gone, whipped cream, Mean Streak permanent markers, the concentrated gelatin used to make Shamrock Shakes, Abraham Lincoln's morning breath, sulfuric acid, turpentine with dissolved eye of newt, gasoline (unleaded), and model airplane glue (is freshest when huffed in the hobby store).

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Two great tastes that taste great together.

Sticking your hand down the back of your pants into your ass crack and then smelling your hand If done repeatedly for about 3 minutes, the foul odor on your fingers will cause the olfactory bulbs in your sinus cavities to begin to contract in response. This causes the oxygen content in your blood to decrease, which will intoxicate you to the equivalent of 4 beers. Be careful though, this dude I know O.D.'d.

****-flavored hookah Oooh, look at me smoke this pole, I'm such a bad-ass. I'm at the hookah bar, durrr.

Mildew Tea Everyone loves doing mushrooms, mainly because you can use the abbreviation "'shrooms" also you sound like a complete chode. Thinking along the lines of other possible spores, molds, and fungus, I ruled out spores because my only experience with them was in G.I. Joe: The Movie when Cobra Commander inhaled the kind that make you turn into a giant snake. I went with mold, because we have a large supply of that on our shower curtain. First, I scraped the brownish sludge off the shower with piece of broken mirror I used to do blow off of back before I was frugal. Then, I boiled some water with a spoonful of instant coffee, a pinch of Tang, and the mildew. I drank the brew while doing the crossword puzzle on the morning train and it made me totally high and I partied.