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Was they funny
Yes made me lol
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Huge Joke thread (updated)
Posted:
Huge Joke thread (updated)Posted:
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Joined: Nov 20, 201014Year Member
Posts: 313
Reputation Power: 13
Status: Offline
Joined: Nov 20, 201014Year Member
Posts: 313
Reputation Power: 13
Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
[font=Comic Sans MS]Sue.
Sue WHo?
SUE NAMIIIII!!
What's the least popular detergent in Indonesia?
Tide.
Aren't the beachfront cities in Thailand without power?
No, there's plenty of current running through the towns.
What did the photographer say, when about to photograph a group of tourists?
"WAVE!"
New name for the island of Phuket: Phuked.
This week is Indonesian hygiene week. Thousands will be washing up on the beach.
Did you hear that dishwasher manufacturers have stopped sending any dishwashers to Asia? Apparently asians have started washing up on local beaches.
Why are so many sharks stricken with diarrhea?
They've been eating Thai food all week.
What did the racist beachfront hotel owner say while standing at the registration desk?
Who let the Indian in?
i just built a shop in japan
it was a bit woobly
but the customers kept flooding in
JeW JokeS-
How do you start a Jewish Marathon?
Roll a Penny down a Hill.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He couldn't pay the Gas Bill.
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen Bug?
You can fit 30. 4 on the seats and 26 in the Ashtray.
What's the difference between a Pepperoni Pizza and a Jew?
Pepperoni Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the Oven.
How do you scare a Jew?
Turn on the oven.
Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q. What is the difference between an Italian grandmother and a Jewish grandmother?
A. One says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill you," and the other says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill myself."
Q. Why is money green?
A. Jews pick it before its ripe
Q. How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A. A long, long time ago, a Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.
Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Many years ago, two Jews found the same penny.
Q. What's a jew's idea of Christmas?
A. Parking meters on the roof.
Q. What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
A. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?"
What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
Canoes tip
What's the object of Jewish football?
To get the quarter back
What did the little German boy get for his birthday?
Easy bake oven and a G.I Jew
Who is the greatest Jewish cook ever?
Hitler
What language does Jewish homo speak?
Heblew
How do you know you have a *** Jew?
He likes money more than girls.
In the CaR-
When driving past a cemetery, 'You know, that is the dead centre of town!
When driving past a cemetery, 'That place is pretty popular, people are dying to get in there
When driving past a cemetery, 'They put the fence up to keep everyone in!
When driving past some black and white cows, 'Boy it must be cold out there, those cows are Friesian!'
'Where are we Dad?' .... 'In the car'
When there is a slow driver in the way, 'Come on!! What are you waiting for? Christmas?
When driving past a woman, 'ahh, she was good from far, but she's far from good
When driving past a woman. 'Marks out of ten? I'd give her one
When an emergency service vehicle goes past with siren blazing, 'You'll not sell many ice creams going that fast.
When driving past someone washing their car, 'you can do mine next, if you want
When reading from one of those information signs out in the countryside...
"The rocks you see before you are 26 million years old..."
In ThE hoUsE-
If someone coughs, "It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in".
When squeezing past in the hallway and saying "excuse me please" - the reply from Dad will be to lock you in a bear hug and shout "I thought you said SQUEEZE ME".
Before retiring to the bathroom for a 'number two', 'give the sewage plant a ring...let them know there's one on its way!'
'Dad I'm hungry' ... 'Hi hungry I'm dad'.
'I'm proud of you son, I'm a wit, but you're still only half as good as me!'
'Im off' ... 'I wondered what the smell was!'
After you are struggling with something for a while, your Dad asks "Can I give you a hand?" You say yes and then he starts a slow clap.
When phone ringing Dad says 'If it's for me don't answer it.'
Me: I'm thirsty.
Dad: Hi, I'm Friday!
Me: I'm hungry.
Dad: I'm Germany, pleased to meet you.
Me: It's going to a cold night tonight.
Dad: Yes, and a dark one too.
After watching you fall over: "Have a nice trip!"
When an attractive woman appears on TV, 'Ah, She's got a nice set of.....teeth!'
Mum asks Dad to 'put the kettle on' and Dad replies 'I don't think it will fit!'
'Put the cat out' ... 'I didn't realise it was on fire'
Answers the phone by saying 'Hello, Statue?'
At THe restRuant-
Upon hearing someone in a restaurant dropping glasses or crockery - "Sack the juggler!"
...
Upon hearing someone in a restaurant dropping glasses or crockery - "Taxi!"
...
Upon hearing someone in a restaurant dropping glasses or crockery - "It wasn't me!"
...
Anywhere with stuffed and mounted animal heads - "It must have been going pretty fast when it hit that wall!".
...
'I'll be your waiter tonight' ... 'I'll be your customer!'
...
At the Greek Restaurant, the waiter hands your Dad the menu, and he says. 'Can you recommend something. This menu's all greek to me.'
...
When the waiter mentions on of the specials tonight is chicken, Dad says 'none for me its foul!'
...
When being offered a hot towel in a Chinese restaurant, Dad says 'No thank you, I'm full!'
...
Trying to order soup in a basket.
...
Mentioning to the waiter that, 'I'm on a special seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'
ShoPPing-
Dad asks the nearest sales assistant: 'Hello! Have you seen my daughter? She works in men's pants
When grocery shopping, 'You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a root
DinNeR tiMe-
When asking to pass the pepper or salt, Dad will move as though to pass it, then continue his arm in a circle, returning the aforementioned condiment to its original resting place. So the salt has gone past you.
...
When Dad drops a pea off of his plate 'oh dear I've pee'd on the table!'
...
Me: I feel like a sandwich
Dad: Funny, you don't look like one....
...
When eating mushrooms Dad will always make a remark about how he'd like to eat more but he doesn't have mush room.
...
"Do you want some food to go with your gravy?"
...
After a large meal Dad says, "Well that was nice, what's for dinner?"
...
Me: Please may I leave the table?
Dad: And where are you going to leave it?
...
After a meal Dad says, 'good thing we ate when we did, because I'm not a bit hungry now!'
...
DadS dont ask questions-
Me: Is it Wednesday today?
Dad: All day...
...
Little Boy: Dad, can you put my shirt on?
Dad: No, it doesn't fit me.
...
Me Shall Iput the kettle on?
Dad: You think it will suit you?
...
When rubbing your eye
Dad: What's up?"
Me: "There's something in my eye"
Dad: "Yeah, it's your finger"
...
Me: Can you make me a cup of coffee/tea?
Dad: Waves his hands over your head and says 'Poof! You are now a cup of coffee/tea!'
...
Me: Where's the bin?
Dad: I haven't been anywhere!
...
Me: How Long's Dinner?
Dad: ... about 9 inches..
...
Me: Hi there, is Monica around?
Dad: No, she's more of an oblong shape...
...
Me: What's on the TV?
Dad: Just some dust.
...
Me: Can I have 50 bucks?
Dad: Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?
...
Me: How is that water?
Dad: Wet.
...
Me: Can I watch the TV?
Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.
...
FarT-
Dad farts and says, 'speak up Mr Brown, you're through.'
...
Dad farts and says, 'Better out than in'
...
Dad farts and says, 'Phew - I'm glad I'm up-wind of that one'
...
Dad farts and says, 'Ooops, I think I've had a slippage'
...
'Pull my finger!'
...
asian jokes-
What do you call a fat Chinese guy?
A Chunk.
How do you blindfold a Chinese person?
With dental floss
How do you blind an Asian?
Put a steering wheel in front of him
How do you know if a Chinese person has robbed your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the **** is still trying to back out of your driveway.
How do Chinese people decide on a name for their child?
They throw a bunch of pots and pans down the stairs
What do you get when a Chinese person and a black person have a kid?
A felon who cant drive
What do you call a drive bye in Chinatown?
A Cappachino
What do you call it when a Chinese guy was shot at Starbucks?
Cappachino
Why do Asians always have a whole bunch of mousetraps set up around their house?
Cuz that's how they get their dinner.
What do you name a retarded Asian?
Som Ting Wong
PolloCk-
How did Germany take over Poland?
They marched in backwards and Poland thought they were leaving.
How do you sink a Pollock submarine?
Knock on the hatch.
Why did the Romans build straight roads?
So the Pollocks couldn't make corner shops
How do you get a one arm Pollack out of a tree?
Wave.
What is the anatomy of a Polish tank?
One speed forward, two speeds backward.
What happened to the Pollock's snow tires?
They melted
How does a Pollock steal a bike?
Picks it up and runs.
Double the Fun-
A black guy and a Puerto Rican are in a car, who's driving?
The policeman.
Why do you throw a rock at a Mexican on a bike?
To get your bike back
Why do you throw a rock at a black guy on a bike?
To get your slave back
There is an apartment building with 3 floors, on the first floor, an Indian family, on the second floor, a black family, and on the third floor a white family. At 2 PM, the building burns to the ground, which family survives?
The white, because the parents are at work and the kids are at school.
A white American, a black American, a white Canadian, and a white European are all riding horses out in the desert. The Canadian takes out a bottle of wine, and says, "In my country, ey, the wine is plentiful and the bottles are cheap." He then takes the bottle, stands it up on a cactus and shoots it. So the European takes out a bottle of bourbon, drinks it up, and says, "In my country, the liquor is plentiful and the bottles are cheap," and he then stands it up on a cactus and shoots it. The white American then takes out a can of beer, drinks it up, puts it in his saddlebag and shoots the black guy and the Canadian guy. He nods to the horrified European guy and says, "obviously you don't know this, but where I come from blacks and Canadians are plentiful but cans are worth something"
A magic fairy greets all an American, An African American, and a Mexican. She says because there is three of them, they each get one wish. So the Black guy says, "I wish that all African Americans would be returned to Africa where they can live happily in their own country." And the Fairy instantly makes it true. Then the Mexican says, " I wish that all the Mexicans in America would be returned to their homeland of Mexico where they can live good, happy lives." With a wave of her wand the fairy makes it true instantly. Then she asks the American what he wants, and he says, "All the Africans are back in Africa?" And the Fairy replies, "Yes." And he says, "and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico?" and the Fairy says yes again. "OK," says the American, "I'll just have a Coke."
A asian and a Black guy jump from a cliff at the same time who wins?
Society
What do you call a black guy driving a black Cadillac?
Black power.
What do you call a white guy driving a white Cadillac?
White power.
What do you call a Puerto Rican guy driving a blue Cadillac?
Grand Theft Auto.
How do you starve a Mexican?
Put his food stamps under his work boots.
How do you get a Mexican outta your house?
Throw a quarter out
How do you find the fastest man in Mexico?
Roll a quarter down the hill.
Why do cars in Mexico have such small wheels?
So they can drive with handcuffs
Why do Mexicans drive lowriders?
So they can pick strawberries faster
What do you call a Mexican baptism?
Bean dip
Why don't Puerto Ricans have a long history of literature?
Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949
How many Mexicans does it take to roof a house?
8 if you slice them thin enough.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a pothole?
You swerve to miss the pothole
How do u start a Mexican parade?
Roll a quarter down the street...
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead Mexican lying in the middle of the street?
The dog has brake marks in front of it.
Why do Mexicans put shit on the wall at their weddings?
To keep the flies off the bride
Why do Mexicans paint their trashcans red and yellow?
So their kids think they're eating at McDonalds
Why do Mexicans have big noses?
So they have something to pick in the winter
Why don?t Mexicans barbecue?
Because the beans keep falling through the grill
What is the best way to circumcise a Mexican?
Kick his sister in the jaw
What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche
What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?
A mudslide
What do you call a bunch of Mexican people running down a hill?
A jailbreak
Why does Mexico suck at the Olympics?
Because every Mexican that can run, jump, or swim are all over here.
[size=18][color=red][b]What did Davy Crocket say when he saw all the mexicans running towards the alamo?
Who ordered concrete?
-----
What is the difference between a Mexican and an elevator?
One can raise a child.
-----
What do you call a Mexican with a new car?
A felon
-----
Why are there no Mexicans in Star Trek?
They don't work in the future either!
-----
Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot?
50 Mexicans died
-----
Why do mexican kids walk around school like they own the place?
Because their dads built it and their mom clean it.
-----
What's a mexican's favorite sport?
cross country
-----
Why cant mexicans play uno?
Because they always steal the green card
-----
2 mexicans are in a car, who is driving?
A cop
-----
Why can't mexicans be firemen?
They can't tell the difference between jose and hose b
-----
Why were there only 5,000 mexican soldiers at the battle of Alamo?
They only had 2 vans.
-----
What do you call a group of stoned mexicans?
Baked beans
-----
When a Mexican runs into a wall whats the first thing that hits?
His Lawn Mower
-----
How do you stop a Mexican tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
-----
What is the difference between a Mexican and a bucket of crap...?
the bucket
-----
What do you call a mexican baptism?
Bean dip
-----
What do you call a mexican that can't do any thing?
A mexican't
-----
What is the difference between a pizza and a mexican?
A pizza can feed a family of four
-----
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a black person?
Somebody too lazy to steal.
-----
What do you call a mexican that is barefoot and stepped in poop with his toe?
A PUTO
-----
If there was a maze with with a million dollars in the center who do you think would win: the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a smart mexican, or dumb mexican?
The dumb mexican, the rest don't exist.
-----
Why don't mexicans cross the border in 3's?
Because it says no trespassing
-----
What do you call a midget mexican?
Paragraph because he is to short to be an essay
-----
Why doesn't the border have electric wires?
Because Mexicans will steal the electricity to power their house.
-----
Why are Mexicans so short?
They all live in basement apartments.
-----
How Do You Starve A Mexican?
Put Their Food Stamps In Their Work Boots.
-----
What do you call 100 mexicans working on a roof?
Chingos
-----
Juan,carlos,and antonio all jump off a cliff to see who will hit the ground first. who wins?
Society.
-----
What do you call mexican basketball?
Juan on Juan.
-----
Did you hear about the winner of the mexican beauty contest?
Me neither.
-----
What do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopuss?
I don't know but it could pick lettuce good.
-----
Why don't mexicans bbq?
The beans fall through the little holes.
-----
What are the first 3 words in every mexican cookbook?
steal a chicken
-----
Did you hear about that one mexican that went to college?
yeah.. me neither
-----
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro Cinco
-----
how do you stop a mexican from robbing your house?
put up a help-wanted sign
-----
What's the difference between a bench and a Mexican?
A bench can support a family (sorry, that one is really mean)
-----
What is it when a Mexican is taking a shower?
A miracle.
-----
What do you call a pool with a mexican in it?
Bean Dip.
-----
What do Mexicans pick in the off season?
Their nose.
-----
A bunch of Mexicans are running down a hill, what is going on?
Jail Break.
-----
What do you call a Mexican driving a BMW?
Grand Theft Auto.
-----
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is in the US!
-----
Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. (burn)
-----
Why do Mexicans drive low riders?
They are too short to get into any other type of car.
-----
What is the greatest Mexican invention?
A solar powered flash light.
-----
Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans?
Have you seen a Mexican do anything right the first time?
-----
What do you do when a Mexican is riding a bike?
Chase after him, it's probably yours!
----
Why are Mexicans so short?
When they're young, their parents say, "When you get bigger you have to get a good job."
----
What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower?
Unemployed.
----
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Doesn't matter, they're to short to reach the socket.
----
How do you get 50 Mexicans is a phone booth?
Throw food stamps in it.
----
An Arab, Frenchman, American and a Mexican are riding down the highway. The Arab picks up an AK-47. He shoots a couple of rounds and then throws the gun out the window. The American asks him why he through the gun out the window and the Arab says they have so many of those where he is from he doesn't care about what happens to them.
The Frenchman picks up a bottle of wine and drinks a little and throws it out the window. The American asks him why he tossed it. The Frenchman says they have so much of it where he is from he doesn't care what happens to it.
The American picks up the Mexican and throws him out the window.
-----
Two Americans and a Mexican are exploring in Africa and they stumble upon a tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the explorers that they are going to get fruit shoved up their butts and if they laugh they are going to get killed. Luckly, the Chief tells them they get to pick their own fruit. The two whittes pick berries and the Chief shoves it up their butts. They both laugh their heads off. In heaven God asks them why they laughed. And the Americans reply, "The Mexican picked a watermelon."
-----
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"
-----
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
----
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
----
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
----
THESE ARE NOT TO AFFEND
Last edited by TTG_DAYLE ; edited 4 times in total
Who's There?
[font=Comic Sans MS]Sue.
Sue WHo?
SUE NAMIIIII!!
What's the least popular detergent in Indonesia?
Tide.
Aren't the beachfront cities in Thailand without power?
No, there's plenty of current running through the towns.
What did the photographer say, when about to photograph a group of tourists?
"WAVE!"
New name for the island of Phuket: Phuked.
This week is Indonesian hygiene week. Thousands will be washing up on the beach.
Did you hear that dishwasher manufacturers have stopped sending any dishwashers to Asia? Apparently asians have started washing up on local beaches.
Why are so many sharks stricken with diarrhea?
They've been eating Thai food all week.
What did the racist beachfront hotel owner say while standing at the registration desk?
Who let the Indian in?
i just built a shop in japan
it was a bit woobly
but the customers kept flooding in
JeW JokeS-
How do you start a Jewish Marathon?
Roll a Penny down a Hill.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He couldn't pay the Gas Bill.
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen Bug?
You can fit 30. 4 on the seats and 26 in the Ashtray.
What's the difference between a Pepperoni Pizza and a Jew?
Pepperoni Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the Oven.
How do you scare a Jew?
Turn on the oven.
Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q. What is the difference between an Italian grandmother and a Jewish grandmother?
A. One says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill you," and the other says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill myself."
Q. Why is money green?
A. Jews pick it before its ripe
Q. How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A. A long, long time ago, a Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.
Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Many years ago, two Jews found the same penny.
Q. What's a jew's idea of Christmas?
A. Parking meters on the roof.
Q. What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
A. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?"
What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
Canoes tip
What's the object of Jewish football?
To get the quarter back
What did the little German boy get for his birthday?
Easy bake oven and a G.I Jew
Who is the greatest Jewish cook ever?
Hitler
What language does Jewish homo speak?
Heblew
How do you know you have a *** Jew?
He likes money more than girls.
In the CaR-
When driving past a cemetery, 'You know, that is the dead centre of town!
When driving past a cemetery, 'That place is pretty popular, people are dying to get in there
When driving past a cemetery, 'They put the fence up to keep everyone in!
When driving past some black and white cows, 'Boy it must be cold out there, those cows are Friesian!'
'Where are we Dad?' .... 'In the car'
When there is a slow driver in the way, 'Come on!! What are you waiting for? Christmas?
When driving past a woman, 'ahh, she was good from far, but she's far from good
When driving past a woman. 'Marks out of ten? I'd give her one
When an emergency service vehicle goes past with siren blazing, 'You'll not sell many ice creams going that fast.
When driving past someone washing their car, 'you can do mine next, if you want
When reading from one of those information signs out in the countryside...
"The rocks you see before you are 26 million years old..."
In ThE hoUsE-
If someone coughs, "It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in".
When squeezing past in the hallway and saying "excuse me please" - the reply from Dad will be to lock you in a bear hug and shout "I thought you said SQUEEZE ME".
Before retiring to the bathroom for a 'number two', 'give the sewage plant a ring...let them know there's one on its way!'
'Dad I'm hungry' ... 'Hi hungry I'm dad'.
'I'm proud of you son, I'm a wit, but you're still only half as good as me!'
'Im off' ... 'I wondered what the smell was!'
After you are struggling with something for a while, your Dad asks "Can I give you a hand?" You say yes and then he starts a slow clap.
When phone ringing Dad says 'If it's for me don't answer it.'
Me: I'm thirsty.
Dad: Hi, I'm Friday!
Me: I'm hungry.
Dad: I'm Germany, pleased to meet you.
Me: It's going to a cold night tonight.
Dad: Yes, and a dark one too.
After watching you fall over: "Have a nice trip!"
When an attractive woman appears on TV, 'Ah, She's got a nice set of.....teeth!'
Mum asks Dad to 'put the kettle on' and Dad replies 'I don't think it will fit!'
'Put the cat out' ... 'I didn't realise it was on fire'
Answers the phone by saying 'Hello, Statue?'
At THe restRuant-
Upon hearing someone in a restaurant dropping glasses or crockery - "Sack the juggler!"
...
Upon hearing someone in a restaurant dropping glasses or crockery - "Taxi!"
...
Upon hearing someone in a restaurant dropping glasses or crockery - "It wasn't me!"
...
Anywhere with stuffed and mounted animal heads - "It must have been going pretty fast when it hit that wall!".
...
'I'll be your waiter tonight' ... 'I'll be your customer!'
...
At the Greek Restaurant, the waiter hands your Dad the menu, and he says. 'Can you recommend something. This menu's all greek to me.'
...
When the waiter mentions on of the specials tonight is chicken, Dad says 'none for me its foul!'
...
When being offered a hot towel in a Chinese restaurant, Dad says 'No thank you, I'm full!'
...
Trying to order soup in a basket.
...
Mentioning to the waiter that, 'I'm on a special seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.'
ShoPPing-
Dad asks the nearest sales assistant: 'Hello! Have you seen my daughter? She works in men's pants
When grocery shopping, 'You can beat an egg, but you can't beat a root
DinNeR tiMe-
When asking to pass the pepper or salt, Dad will move as though to pass it, then continue his arm in a circle, returning the aforementioned condiment to its original resting place. So the salt has gone past you.
...
When Dad drops a pea off of his plate 'oh dear I've pee'd on the table!'
...
Me: I feel like a sandwich
Dad: Funny, you don't look like one....
...
When eating mushrooms Dad will always make a remark about how he'd like to eat more but he doesn't have mush room.
...
"Do you want some food to go with your gravy?"
...
After a large meal Dad says, "Well that was nice, what's for dinner?"
...
Me: Please may I leave the table?
Dad: And where are you going to leave it?
...
After a meal Dad says, 'good thing we ate when we did, because I'm not a bit hungry now!'
...
DadS dont ask questions-
Me: Is it Wednesday today?
Dad: All day...
...
Little Boy: Dad, can you put my shirt on?
Dad: No, it doesn't fit me.
...
Me Shall Iput the kettle on?
Dad: You think it will suit you?
...
When rubbing your eye
Dad: What's up?"
Me: "There's something in my eye"
Dad: "Yeah, it's your finger"
...
Me: Can you make me a cup of coffee/tea?
Dad: Waves his hands over your head and says 'Poof! You are now a cup of coffee/tea!'
...
Me: Where's the bin?
Dad: I haven't been anywhere!
...
Me: How Long's Dinner?
Dad: ... about 9 inches..
...
Me: Hi there, is Monica around?
Dad: No, she's more of an oblong shape...
...
Me: What's on the TV?
Dad: Just some dust.
...
Me: Can I have 50 bucks?
Dad: Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?
...
Me: How is that water?
Dad: Wet.
...
Me: Can I watch the TV?
Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.
...
FarT-
Dad farts and says, 'speak up Mr Brown, you're through.'
...
Dad farts and says, 'Better out than in'
...
Dad farts and says, 'Phew - I'm glad I'm up-wind of that one'
...
Dad farts and says, 'Ooops, I think I've had a slippage'
...
'Pull my finger!'
...
asian jokes-
What do you call a fat Chinese guy?
A Chunk.
How do you blindfold a Chinese person?
With dental floss
How do you blind an Asian?
Put a steering wheel in front of him
How do you know if a Chinese person has robbed your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the **** is still trying to back out of your driveway.
How do Chinese people decide on a name for their child?
They throw a bunch of pots and pans down the stairs
What do you get when a Chinese person and a black person have a kid?
A felon who cant drive
What do you call a drive bye in Chinatown?
A Cappachino
What do you call it when a Chinese guy was shot at Starbucks?
Cappachino
Why do Asians always have a whole bunch of mousetraps set up around their house?
Cuz that's how they get their dinner.
What do you name a retarded Asian?
Som Ting Wong
PolloCk-
How did Germany take over Poland?
They marched in backwards and Poland thought they were leaving.
How do you sink a Pollock submarine?
Knock on the hatch.
Why did the Romans build straight roads?
So the Pollocks couldn't make corner shops
How do you get a one arm Pollack out of a tree?
Wave.
What is the anatomy of a Polish tank?
One speed forward, two speeds backward.
What happened to the Pollock's snow tires?
They melted
How does a Pollock steal a bike?
Picks it up and runs.
Double the Fun-
A black guy and a Puerto Rican are in a car, who's driving?
The policeman.
Why do you throw a rock at a Mexican on a bike?
To get your bike back
Why do you throw a rock at a black guy on a bike?
To get your slave back
There is an apartment building with 3 floors, on the first floor, an Indian family, on the second floor, a black family, and on the third floor a white family. At 2 PM, the building burns to the ground, which family survives?
The white, because the parents are at work and the kids are at school.
A white American, a black American, a white Canadian, and a white European are all riding horses out in the desert. The Canadian takes out a bottle of wine, and says, "In my country, ey, the wine is plentiful and the bottles are cheap." He then takes the bottle, stands it up on a cactus and shoots it. So the European takes out a bottle of bourbon, drinks it up, and says, "In my country, the liquor is plentiful and the bottles are cheap," and he then stands it up on a cactus and shoots it. The white American then takes out a can of beer, drinks it up, puts it in his saddlebag and shoots the black guy and the Canadian guy. He nods to the horrified European guy and says, "obviously you don't know this, but where I come from blacks and Canadians are plentiful but cans are worth something"
A magic fairy greets all an American, An African American, and a Mexican. She says because there is three of them, they each get one wish. So the Black guy says, "I wish that all African Americans would be returned to Africa where they can live happily in their own country." And the Fairy instantly makes it true. Then the Mexican says, " I wish that all the Mexicans in America would be returned to their homeland of Mexico where they can live good, happy lives." With a wave of her wand the fairy makes it true instantly. Then she asks the American what he wants, and he says, "All the Africans are back in Africa?" And the Fairy replies, "Yes." And he says, "and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico?" and the Fairy says yes again. "OK," says the American, "I'll just have a Coke."
A asian and a Black guy jump from a cliff at the same time who wins?
Society
What do you call a black guy driving a black Cadillac?
Black power.
What do you call a white guy driving a white Cadillac?
White power.
What do you call a Puerto Rican guy driving a blue Cadillac?
Grand Theft Auto.
How do you starve a Mexican?
Put his food stamps under his work boots.
How do you get a Mexican outta your house?
Throw a quarter out
How do you find the fastest man in Mexico?
Roll a quarter down the hill.
Why do cars in Mexico have such small wheels?
So they can drive with handcuffs
Why do Mexicans drive lowriders?
So they can pick strawberries faster
What do you call a Mexican baptism?
Bean dip
Why don't Puerto Ricans have a long history of literature?
Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949
How many Mexicans does it take to roof a house?
8 if you slice them thin enough.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a pothole?
You swerve to miss the pothole
How do u start a Mexican parade?
Roll a quarter down the street...
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead Mexican lying in the middle of the street?
The dog has brake marks in front of it.
Why do Mexicans put shit on the wall at their weddings?
To keep the flies off the bride
Why do Mexicans paint their trashcans red and yellow?
So their kids think they're eating at McDonalds
Why do Mexicans have big noses?
So they have something to pick in the winter
Why don?t Mexicans barbecue?
Because the beans keep falling through the grill
What is the best way to circumcise a Mexican?
Kick his sister in the jaw
What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche
What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?
A mudslide
What do you call a bunch of Mexican people running down a hill?
A jailbreak
Why does Mexico suck at the Olympics?
Because every Mexican that can run, jump, or swim are all over here.
[size=18][color=red][b]What did Davy Crocket say when he saw all the mexicans running towards the alamo?
Who ordered concrete?
-----
What is the difference between a Mexican and an elevator?
One can raise a child.
-----
What do you call a Mexican with a new car?
A felon
-----
Why are there no Mexicans in Star Trek?
They don't work in the future either!
-----
Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot?
50 Mexicans died
-----
Why do mexican kids walk around school like they own the place?
Because their dads built it and their mom clean it.
-----
What's a mexican's favorite sport?
cross country
-----
Why cant mexicans play uno?
Because they always steal the green card
-----
2 mexicans are in a car, who is driving?
A cop
-----
Why can't mexicans be firemen?
They can't tell the difference between jose and hose b
-----
Why were there only 5,000 mexican soldiers at the battle of Alamo?
They only had 2 vans.
-----
What do you call a group of stoned mexicans?
Baked beans
-----
When a Mexican runs into a wall whats the first thing that hits?
His Lawn Mower
-----
How do you stop a Mexican tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
-----
What is the difference between a Mexican and a bucket of crap...?
the bucket
-----
What do you call a mexican baptism?
Bean dip
-----
What do you call a mexican that can't do any thing?
A mexican't
-----
What is the difference between a pizza and a mexican?
A pizza can feed a family of four
-----
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a black person?
Somebody too lazy to steal.
-----
What do you call a mexican that is barefoot and stepped in poop with his toe?
A PUTO
-----
If there was a maze with with a million dollars in the center who do you think would win: the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a smart mexican, or dumb mexican?
The dumb mexican, the rest don't exist.
-----
Why don't mexicans cross the border in 3's?
Because it says no trespassing
-----
What do you call a midget mexican?
Paragraph because he is to short to be an essay
-----
Why doesn't the border have electric wires?
Because Mexicans will steal the electricity to power their house.
-----
Why are Mexicans so short?
They all live in basement apartments.
-----
How Do You Starve A Mexican?
Put Their Food Stamps In Their Work Boots.
-----
What do you call 100 mexicans working on a roof?
Chingos
-----
Juan,carlos,and antonio all jump off a cliff to see who will hit the ground first. who wins?
Society.
-----
What do you call mexican basketball?
Juan on Juan.
-----
Did you hear about the winner of the mexican beauty contest?
Me neither.
-----
What do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopuss?
I don't know but it could pick lettuce good.
-----
Why don't mexicans bbq?
The beans fall through the little holes.
-----
What are the first 3 words in every mexican cookbook?
steal a chicken
-----
Did you hear about that one mexican that went to college?
yeah.. me neither
-----
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro Cinco
-----
how do you stop a mexican from robbing your house?
put up a help-wanted sign
-----
What's the difference between a bench and a Mexican?
A bench can support a family (sorry, that one is really mean)
-----
What is it when a Mexican is taking a shower?
A miracle.
-----
What do you call a pool with a mexican in it?
Bean Dip.
-----
What do Mexicans pick in the off season?
Their nose.
-----
A bunch of Mexicans are running down a hill, what is going on?
Jail Break.
-----
What do you call a Mexican driving a BMW?
Grand Theft Auto.
-----
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is in the US!
-----
Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. (burn)
-----
Why do Mexicans drive low riders?
They are too short to get into any other type of car.
-----
What is the greatest Mexican invention?
A solar powered flash light.
-----
Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans?
Have you seen a Mexican do anything right the first time?
-----
What do you do when a Mexican is riding a bike?
Chase after him, it's probably yours!
----
Why are Mexicans so short?
When they're young, their parents say, "When you get bigger you have to get a good job."
----
What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower?
Unemployed.
----
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Doesn't matter, they're to short to reach the socket.
----
How do you get 50 Mexicans is a phone booth?
Throw food stamps in it.
----
An Arab, Frenchman, American and a Mexican are riding down the highway. The Arab picks up an AK-47. He shoots a couple of rounds and then throws the gun out the window. The American asks him why he through the gun out the window and the Arab says they have so many of those where he is from he doesn't care about what happens to them.
The Frenchman picks up a bottle of wine and drinks a little and throws it out the window. The American asks him why he tossed it. The Frenchman says they have so much of it where he is from he doesn't care what happens to it.
The American picks up the Mexican and throws him out the window.
-----
Two Americans and a Mexican are exploring in Africa and they stumble upon a tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the explorers that they are going to get fruit shoved up their butts and if they laugh they are going to get killed. Luckly, the Chief tells them they get to pick their own fruit. The two whittes pick berries and the Chief shoves it up their butts. They both laugh their heads off. In heaven God asks them why they laughed. And the Americans reply, "The Mexican picked a watermelon."
-----
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"
-----
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
----
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
----
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
----
THESE ARE NOT TO AFFEND
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The following 3 users thanked TTG_DAYLE for this useful post:
#2. Posted:
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hahaha soo messed up but funny
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#3. Posted:
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That is pretty weird but funny
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those are hilarious
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these are goood
RossUK. +rep.
RossUK. +rep.
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these are good and made me laugh
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IICaZuaLL wrote these are good and made me laugh
yes 100 posts +repped because of 100 posts and thanked
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IICaZuaLL wroteIICaZuaLL wrote these are good and made me laugh
yes 100 posts +repped because of 100 posts and thanked
thanks m8 well done on 100 posts
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Some of these are funny but some are just cruel.
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TTGUnReal wrote Some of these are funny but some are just cruel.
yh i know im sorry if it affended
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