What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld....the charge was playjerism.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau
What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? ?Brothers and sisters, let us spray.?
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His Ass was Dragon
They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants.His charge? Turd debris assault
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."
They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
They arrested the Chrysler salesman and he couldn't a-Ford bail.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cellphone....she was charged with driving while intalksicated.
What happened to the woman with ten children? She went stork raving mad.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and Squeak
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine? A tunnel that leaks.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!
What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf
Without geometry, life is pointless
They arrested the owner of a threatening bull--he was brought up on charges.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
What would you get if you crossed a pigeon and a general? A military coo.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ... and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
They arrested the barber for running a clip joint.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
What Disney movie is about the tall-tale-telling champ? The Lyin' King
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
They arrested the hock shop owner for indecency--he was selling pawnographic materials.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays the dragon and the other is draggin' the sleigh.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.