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Really Funny Jokes

Welcome to Really Funny Jokes and Hilarious Jokes. Please bookmark us and visit daily for free jokes.
monday, june 10, 2013

Short funny jokes-Watch your health


My granddad always used to tell me: "No need to watch your money; always watch your health."

So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my granddad.
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Labels: Hilarious jokes, Short funny jokes

sunday, june 9, 2013

Harley Davidson joke


Sir Isaac Newton goes to a cocktail party and introduces himself to a smart looking person and asks, "Do you mind telling me your IQ?"

The guy answers, " It's 208."

"Truly amazing!" says Newton. "We will talk about the Big Bang theory and the other mysteries of the universe. I think we can have a long conversation!"

Newton then finds another man and asks him about his IQ, to which the man replies, "its 137."

"Wonderful!" says Newton. "We can discuss politics and world peace."

Newton goes to a third person asks, "What is your IQ?"

The man answers, "53."

Newton excited exclaims, "So it's you who owns the Harley Davidson parked out front!"
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friday, june 7, 2013

The hot dog experience


Two Irish nuns, who have just arrived in the US, are hungry and one says to the other, "I have heard that the Americans actually actually eat dogs."

"That's strange," the other nun replied, "but if we are to live here, might as well do as the Americans do." Agreeing to this, the first nun notices a hot dog vendor and they both decide to have hot dogs.

They ordered for two hot-dogs and as soon as the vendor gave it to them, they hurriedly found a bench to savor the American food. The first nun took out her hot-dog from the foil, stared at it for a while and whispered to the other nun, "Which part did you get?"
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thursday, june 6, 2013

Hilarious jokes-Clean cup


There were two customers in a Cafe.

As the waiter approached them, the first customer said: "I'll have coffee."

The second customer, who was snooty, said: "Coffee for me, too. And make sure that the cup is clean!"

The waiter returns with the coffee after a while and says: "Two coffees as you ordered. Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
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thursday, may 30, 2013

Funny hilarious jokes-The Evolution of an Arithmetic Problem


The Evolution of an Arithmetic Problem

1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is the profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set MC?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumber person makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fell-able trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the ROI (return on investment) of the lobbying?

The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".
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wednesday, may 29, 2013

The learning priest


Robert, the young priest, raised in a small sleepy town, is getting ready to hear confessions for the first time and he is nervous as hell. So he requests the older priest to sit in on his sessions, so he can gain some confidence.

The young priest hears a few confessions, after which the old priest suggests him to come out so they could have a discussion.

The Old priest says, "I suggest that you cross your arms, rub your chin and say things like "Ok, I see" or "Yes, carry on" or "I understand".

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin and repeats all the expressions the older priest had suggested.

The old priest remarks, "What do you say, isn't it better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*t... what happened after that?"
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monday, may 20, 2013

Funny jokes-In the middle of the night


Martin and Tina were in bed when the phone rang in the middle of the night. Martin picked up the receiver, listened and shouted: You idiot, how do you think I am supposed to know that? That damn thing is five hundred miles from here. And disconnected the line.

Tina asked sleepily: What was that?

Martin: How do I know? Some idiot wanted to know if the coast was clear.
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thursday, may 16, 2013

Hilarious jokes-Writing a telegram


An owl went to send a telegram and wrote "Hoot Hoot, Hoot Hoot, Hoot Hoot."

The clerk looked at the form and said "You've only six words here, you can have three more for the same fee".

The owl looked at the clerk and said dismissively "But that wouldn't make any sense if I did that".
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tuesday, may 14, 2013

Short funny jokes-Sumo wrestlers


Sandy: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

Mandy: So no one confuses them with feminists.
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Labels: Hilarious jokes, Short funny jokes

monday, may 13, 2013

Funny jokes-Swimming competition


There was a swimming competition between a few girls one summer morning. The style decided was breast-stroke. The event started with the call five.four three two one.go.

All the girls reached the finish line more or less the same time except Marie. They all sportingly waited for Marie to arrive. It was almost forty minutes later that Marie reached the finish line. She was totally exhausted and on the verge of collapse. Other girls helped her asked what went wrong.

After regaining her breath Marie said: My word, you all must have used your arms, otherwise how could you reach so fast? Thats cheating.
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wednesday, may 8, 2013

Office jokes-Meetings


Are you Lonely?
Don't like working on your own?
Hate making decisions?

Then call a MEETING!!

You can:-

SEE people,
DRAW flowcharts,
FEEL important,
IMPRESS your colleagues
(and all on company time)

MEETINGS....
The practical alternative to work!

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Labels: Hilarious jokes, Office jokes, Really Funny Jokes

tuesday, may 7, 2013

Hilarious jokes-Health warning


Aramco Helth Department

Large scale outbreak of Texanitus hits Saudi Arabia

During the last 30 years there have been occasional outbreaks of Texanitus, but this last one appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Consequently the Health Department consider it necessary to ease the panic that is sweeping the country by issuing this advice.

Texanitus can be divided into two forms:

Acute
Chronic

Acute Texanitus is the mild form of the disease and can usually be cured by a complete rest for 5 years with the Gorra Gorra Tribe in the Amazon rain forest. Children who catch acute Texanitus usually end up as chronic cases as the disease appears to be hereditary. Some children do seem to have a natural resistance but unfortunately they seem very rare.

Chronic sufferers can sometimes be recognized by large hats that they wear to hide their enormously swollen heads. Likewise others wear large boots or belt buckles to compensate for their thin legs and distended stomachs. Other symptoms include shouts of YIPEEEE or GODAMIT, which just shows how painful this disease can be in the terminal stages.

WARNING :

Never corner chronic sufferers in a confined space and ask them questions, as most sufferers tend to spray bulls*hit in all directions. Whether this bullsh*t is contagious we not yet know, so take precautions.

As a safeguard we are giving anti Texanitus shots to anyone that wants one, so if you are worried go along to your nearest clinic and get one.

Yours truly

Mustaffa Phart

Aramco Surgeon General
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saturday, may 4, 2013

Really funny jokes-Arab salesman's offer


As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

'America,' the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, 'She's not from the States.'

'Yes, I am.' said the wife. He looked at her and asked, 'Is he your husband?'

'Yes,' she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered....

'I'll give you 100 camels for her.' The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.

Finally he replied,' She's not for sale.'

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, 'I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home.'
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Labels: Good jokes, Hilarious jokes, Really Funny Jokes

friday, may 3, 2013

Hilarious jokes-Last statement


A man who was gloomy and desperate at England's current football situation decided tocommit suicide. He planned to hang himself in his living room. At the very last moment, he decided upon wearing his full England kit as his last statement. A neighbor, catching sight of the impending incident, called the police.

On arrival, the police quickly removed the Jersey and dressed the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asked why.

The policeman simply replied, "It's to avoid embarrassing your family."
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Really funny jokes-The precious one


And then there was this Swede pilot who was on a plane with two Norwegian pilots on a test flight.

All of a sudden, there was a snag in the engine and they had to bail themselves out. But the problem was that there were only two parachutes in the plane. The Swede seized one and said: I am too precious to this world and mankind in general to lose my life. And he jumped.

One Norwegian: Now what?

Second Norwegian: We jump. The precious one just grabbed my back pack and jumped.
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thursday, may 2, 2013

Office jokes-Corporate language


Corporate language

'A challenging market' - a difficult market.
'A difficult market' - totally bl*ody impossible.
'We see an up-turn later in the year' - it can't get any worse.
'We are working on improving our performance' - we've sacked the whole team.
'Left the company unexpectedly' - topped himself.
'Left to develop his career elsewhere' - we fired him.
'A well constructed and extremely versatile product' - no one understands it.
'Recent down-sizing of the sales force' - the buggers keep leaving.
'Doesn't suffer fools gladly' - complete b*stard to work for.
'He has an active social life' - alcoholic
'A spectacular producer during the time he was with us' - now doing time at Wandsworth.
'Highly creative, with an endless supply of unorthodox ideas' -mad.
'Forthcoming changes in the regulatory environment' - Oh Christ, here we go again.

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wednesday, may 1, 2013

Hilarious jokes-Dressing room conversation


The Manchester United players are in the dressing room getting ready for the match. Just before the game, Roy Keane walks in.

"Boss," he says, "There's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."

"Hey," says David Beckham. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
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Adult jokes-Weird request


The attendant in an Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the street, and heading for his shop. The customer entered with a small Thermos container, put in on the counter, and unwrapped a condom.

"Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it."

The counter man did as told, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug.

"Why do you need it this way?" asked the attendant.

"My wife has been pestering me for a deep freeze since the last 2 months. Tonight, I swear, I'm going to give it to her."
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Labels: Adult jokes, Hilarious jokes, Really Funny Jokes

tuesday, april 30, 2013

Really funny jokes-Reservations for a table


James arrived at a popular restaurant and was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess James asked, 'Will it be long?'

The hostess, seemingly ignoring James, continued writing in her reservations book.

Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, James decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'

A short time later, James heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long...... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'
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Hilarious jokes-Married a Gorilla


Two explorers are at their London club. One says to the other, Did you hear about Old Chumley? On his last expedition to Africa he married a gorilla!

Good God, says the other. Thats a bit ***.

Oh no, replies the first explorer. It was a female gorilla.
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Labels: animal jokes, Good jokes, Hilarious jokes

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