Came across some good jokes and status' that be solid for Facebook or Twitter! Feel free to submit jokes if u submit one worthwhile i will rep you a good amount Thanks guys, hope this brightens up some of your days!


-''My mum thinks ''LOL'' means ''lots of love'' she text me saying Grandad's just died lol

-so i went up to a girl and told her "you have 206 bones in your bod, want another one?" she walked away with an angry face FML

-Jesus took 3 days to respawn, Now thats a real lag.

-Girls think giving birth is hard, try playing COD with a laggy connection!

-If you never chase what you want, you'll never get it. If you never ask, the answer is always no. If you never step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

-As he promised, Obama is reducing taxes for most people this year. No job, no income, no taxes.

-I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my gran-dad, not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.

-1 penny has more change than Obama!

-Joe Biden and barrack Obama are on a boat they both fall off and drowned,who is saved? America!!!

-Give Tiger a break. Obama is screwing the WHOLE country!

-Haters don't really hate u, they hate themselves.U are a reflection of what they wish to be.

-A cop tells you "your eyes look bloodshot have you been drinking." You shouldn't respond with, "Gee sir, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

-In the 80's we had Reagan in office. We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office and no Hope and no Cash.

-God allows everything to happen for a reason. Circumstances will either direct you, correct you, or perfect you.

-U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.

-The next person who says "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

-why do women rub their eyes in the morning-----because they don't have balls to scratch!

-It takes 37 muscles to frown, 17 to smile...but only 3 to pull a trigger

-You can't please everybody... But you sure as hell can piss everybody off!

-Kids in the back seat cause accidents, but accidents in the back seat cause kids

-Don't steal, don't lie and don't cheat. The government hates competition!

-Is thinking Does Sponge Bob Squarepants have cubicles instead of testicles .?

-redheads are like firecrackers, once you light the fuse there's no turning back!

-They tell me to talk to the hand. I tell them to listen to the finger!

-I feel like getting some work done, I'm just gonna sit down till the feeling passes.

-I don't need anger management,I need people to stop pissing me off!!!

-Justin Bieber: What song should I cover? Random Girl: If I were a boy.'

-Hangovers: God's way of saying "YOU KICKED **** LAST NIGHT"'

-"Stalking" is a strong word, I like to look at it as "intense research on an individual"'

-Mirrors can't talk. and lucky for you, they can't laugh

-That awkward moment when you get in the van and there's no candy =/

-I hate it when I'm having a drink and all the ice attacks my face.

-Not all boys are in the relationship for sex, some want a good sandwich.

-If skinny people go skinny dipping, what do fat people do?..... chunky dunk Wink

-has learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I know some people were dropped on their heads as a baby; YOU were clearly thrown at a wall!!

-Why is it that i can remember stuff from 5 years ago but not for the life of me remember why i opened the fridge?

-Friends will be there to bail you out of jail while best friends will be there beside you saying "dang we messed up Razz"

-next time someone says paper beats rock... tell them to hold a paper in front of their face and throw a rock at it... then we can see who beats who

-decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

-slept like a baby last night. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.

-wanted to kill the sexiest person aliveBut suicides a crime.


Feel free to post/ pm some of your own funny statues!