1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
2. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
3. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
4. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
6. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
7. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
8. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
9. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
10. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take s*** from anybody.
11. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
12. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
13. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
14. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
15. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
16. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
17. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' . Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
19. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
20. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
21. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
22. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
23. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually in Chuck Norris's nutsack.
24. When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the a**, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
25. Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
26. When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
27. Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
28. Chuck Norris' came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
29. Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
30. Chuck Norris sued for posting his newest victims list
31. Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language
32. Chuck norris doesn't flush the toliet, He scares the sh** out of it!
33. Most people use Tabasco sauce or even the rare atomic sauce to spice up steaks and wings, Chuck Norris uses fresh magma from the volcano in his yard.
34. Chuck Norris DOES mess with the Zohan.
35. China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
36. Chuck Norris can break one side of a window
37. When Chuck Norris was in kindergarden he made his teacher spit out her gum.
38. The reason Voldemort didn't kill Harry Potter, Chuck Norris
39. Ozzy Osbourne once snorted a line of ants. Chuck Norris once snorted a line of bricks.
40. Hell waits for Chuck Norris to freeze over
41. Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
42. At the end of WWII, the U.S. Government considered developing 2 weapons: the Atom Bomb, or the Chuck Norris Roundhouse. They made the humane choice.
43. Fear itself fears nothing......except Chuck Norris.
44. Chuck Norris doesn't shoot guns, he just thinks of a bullet and it fire's itself.
45. 2012 is when Chuck Norris feels like messing with some fire crackers.
46. Jesus is scared not to send Chuck Norris a birthday card, for the fear of he may get roundhouse kicked.
47. Chuck Norris can punch his fist through trees and pull out pencils.
48. Nostradamus saw a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick from the future and died
49. Chuck Norris stole TTG Sean's Gold
50. There was a Chuck Norris achievement for TTG but then TTG Sean got jealous of the achievement.
51. Chuck Norris doesnt have 2 cut his grass, he just dares it 2 grow.
52. He swam through cement.
53. Chuck norris ran round the world so fast he punched himself in the back of the head.
54. Jesus can walk on water , but chuck norris can swim through land.
55. "Chuck Norris once ate a whole entire bottle of sleeping tablets. They just made him blink.
56. Chuck norris made a happy meal cry.
57. Chuck Norris can give paper a cut.
58. When you insult Chuck Norris, the next thing you are going to see is a bunch of .
59. Everyone on Facebook "likes" Chuck Norris. Or else.
60. Water can drown if Chuck Norris stays underwater for too long.
61. When Chuck Norris flexes, your shirt rips.
62. Chuck Norris' power level is over 9000.
63. The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him.The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
64. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
65. Chuck Norris was originally going to play Leonidas in 300 but he kept kicking the Persian over the pit into outer space.
66. Before global warming, Chuck Norris did his push-ups at night.
67. Forrest Gump was running from Chuck Norris!
68. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with caustic soda.
69. If you and Chuck Norris have 1 Dollar, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
70. Chuck Noris once had sex with a girl in a truck. His **** dripped down and hit the seat by acident. This truck is now know as Optimus Prime.
71. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
72. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
73. Chuck Norris can Speak Japanese in French.
74. Chuck Norris Can Eat Breakfast At McDonalds After 11Am.
75. Chuck Norris Has A Website...Its The Internet.
76. When Chuck Norris Stares At The Sun It Goes Blind.
77. That's Not An Eclipse It's The Sun Hiding From Chuck Norris.
78. Chuck Norris Grew A Beard At Age 18..... Seconds.
79. Handicaped Parking Is For Chuck Norris The Picture Is What Would Happen To You Parked There.
80. Before He Rose To Fame Jaw's Was Chuck Norris's Gold Fish.
81. Chuck Norris Does'nt Age...... He Levels Up.
82. Chuck Norris Get's The Sunday Papers On Thursday.
83. Chuck Norris dosnt do push ups he pushes the ground.
84. Chuck Norris Isnt Afraid of the Dark the Dark is Afraid of Chuck Norris.
85. Chuck Norris made me write this.
86. Chuck Norris inhales carbon monoxide and exhales oxygen.
87. You don't know Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris knows you.
88. Chuck Norris fought the law,... and won.
89. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
90. Chuck Norris once beat a wall at tennis.
91. Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He just stands there and dares the grass to grow.
92. Chuck Norris never needs help, help needs Chuck Norris.
93. Chuck Norris can write with an eraser.
94. Chuck Norris had a pet monkey. We know him as King Kong.
95. Chuck Norris knows Victorias secret.
96. Chuck Norris has opened pandora's box.
97. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
98. Chuck norris checks santa list.
99. Somebody tried to shoot Chuck Norris close range with a .44 Magnum the bullet saw Chuck Norris and rushed back into the gun.
100. Daylight savings was made so Chuck Norris can sleep in.
101. There is no such thing as a tornado, Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks.
102. Chuck Norris - A glitch in life.
103. In the vietnam war, chuck norris got captured on purpose. As torture they made him eat his own sh**... He asked for seconds
104. Chuck Norric can divide by zero.
105. Chuck norris has 6 penises.
106. They tried to name a street "chuck norris" but nobody wants to cross chuck norris.
107. Chuck Norris can win a fight with one hand tied behind his back, because, the rope would instantly strangle the enemy to get away from him.
108. Walker Texas Ranger was based on Chuck Norris' childhood.
109. Chuck Norris can reach prestige 16 on COD.
110. Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
111. Chuck Norris doesn't die he kills.
112. Chuck Norris does not swim water just wants to be around him.
113. Chuck Norris once bottled his urine, now known as red bull.
114. Chuck Norris can win a fight with one hand tied behind his back, because, the rope would instantly strangle the enemy to get away from him.
115. Walker Texas Ranger was based on Chuck Norris' childhood.
116. Chuck Norris can reach prestige 16 on COD.
117. Chuck Norris will save us from 2012.